PAINTING BY JACK GARNIER

The Sacrament of Marriage

by Harry Fielding

“Mum and Dad split last year….” Behind this simple statement in an e-mail I recently received, lies a history of decades of struggle and heartache for four people trying to find purpose and meaning in their family relationship.

I have not seen them for more than ten years, since I left Australia to take up residence in the USA, but we have kept in touch through cards and e-mail. I have rejoiced with them in the high points of their life together and wept with them in their moments of pain and economic hardship. In many ways they are a typical Australian family.

Marriage trends in Australia, as in most of the developed world, show some alarming tendencies. Figures from the USA Census Bureau are probably not too different from Australia and elsewhere in the world. These figures reveal the following:

• The current ratio of marriages to divorces is two to one.
• Total marriages showed a sharp drop in 1998, and this trend continues.
• The number of unmarried women in the population (USA) will soon surpass that of married women. One commentator sees this as “a rejection of the divine institution of marriage by the population.”
• The number of unmarried-couple households (live-ins) is increasing steadily.
• Children living with only one parent has increased from 9 percent in 1960 to 30 percent (29.52 percent) in 2005. Among those children, 83 percent are living with their mother.

These figures present the church with a real challenge. There is no statistical difference in the figures for those who are “professing Christians” than for the national average. Is marriage becoming an “irrelevant sacrament,” or can we find ways to address the current societal trends?

Marriage is essentially about relationship. Marriage, perhaps more than any other sacrament of the church, reflects the complexity of the age in which we live. Marriage combines both sacramental and legal aspects in a world that increasingly seeks to separate the functions of church and state. Indeed, some countries require two separate ceremonies for people getting married—a legal ceremony and an optional religious ceremony.

Within the Community of Christ, marriage has traditionally been thought of as follows:

1. It is a sacred covenant between a man and a woman with God as the unseen partner in the relationship.
2. It is a life-long commitment of mutual support, companionship, and trust involving physical, emotional, spiritual, and economic factors.
3. Marriage is a monogamous relationship. The phrase “keeping yourselves wholly for each other and from all others…” (Doctrine and Covenants C. 111:2b) stresses the importance of marital fidelity.
4. Marriage should not be entered into lightly. Prayer and spiritual preparation and premarital counseling should be the norms for marriage covenants in the Community of Christ. Some countries legally require a specified number of counseling sessions for the couple before a marriage may be performed.
5. According to church law, any member of the Melchisedec priesthood or any Aaronic priest may officiate at the wedding ceremony. This is subject to the legal restrictions of the country. In Australia, for example, the church is required to provide state authorities with a list of ministers authorized to perform marriages. Numbers are restricted, so not every elder or priest is able to be included.

We do not live in a perfect world. And so it is that an increasing number of people find themselves living in less-than-ideal relationships. “Mum and Dad have split…” reflects not only the increasing rate of divorce in most of the developed world, but also the fracturing of “alternative relationships” that have not been legally formalized as marriage. The church recognizes that divorce is a fact of life and does not penalize or prohibit divorced couples from remarrying. However, the admonitions contained in World Conference Resolution 1034 (approved in 1962) should be prayerfully considered before remarriage is undertaken:

Persons who have been divorced, even though innocent of wrongdoing, should pay special attention to the admonition not to marry hastily or without due consideration. Ministers asked to officiate at such weddings should assure themselves that sufficient time has elapsed and that due consideration has been had.

The church recognizes that laws regarding marriage differ from country to country. Thus, in 1972, in response to the church facing situations of polygamy in India, where such practices were legally permissible, the World Conference accepted inspired counsel that, while affirming the “basic principle” of monogamy for the church, nevertheless went on to state the profound principle that the church is called to “…continue your ministry to those nations of people yet unaware of the joy freedom of sin can bring into their lives” (D. and C. 150:11a). This principle is applicable to all countries and nations of the world, for as the apostle Paul has reminded us, we have all sinned and are less than perfect in our everyday lives (Romans 3:23).

The policy that the church adopted in response to the polygamy situation was both wise and compassionate. The policy was to accept by baptism into the church those who were already in a polygamous marriage situation, but to insist that after baptism no more wives were to be taken.

Today the Community of Christ, along with other Christian denominations and world religions, faces the issue of what to do about same-sex marriages. This article is not the place to address that question in depth, but it is worth noting that in some countries and in one state in the USA, same-sex marriages are now legally accepted. This will be an issue that will grow in magnitude in the foreseeable future and one that is crucial for the church to be able to address in a way that does not foster divisiveness and polarization. To this end it is vitally important that congregations utilize “listening circles” or other nonthreatening approaches to explore this and other potentially divisive issues.

The sacramental aspect of marriage challenges us to look at the wedding ceremony within the church as an act of worship and celebration. I have often wondered why, as a norm, we do not celebrate the sacrament of marriage at a Sunday morning service (or at whatever other time we meet for regular worship). The service itself should include elements of celebration and joy and should also help the couple and the congregation tune in to the presence of God as the “unseen partner,” not only on this day, but throughout the entire relationship.

As with all of the sacraments, there is room for flexibility and creativity. Cultural practices and expectations vary widely from country to country. Many couples choose to write their own vows or pledge of support for each other. This can be a wonderful means to help couples focus on the nature of their relationship. The official church “vow” (found in D. and C. 111: 2b.) should also be included.

The key to a successful marriage relationship is centered in companionship. Indeed, the Doctrine and Covenants reference above uses the word “companion.” The chorus of the song “Companions on the Journey” (Sing a New Song, No. 7), while probably not written with marriage in mind, nevertheless encapsulates the sacramental aspect of marriage as a life-long adventure of companionship:

We are companions on the journey,
          breaking bread and sharing life;
and in the love we bear is the hope we share,
          for we believe in the love of our God….

May God’s love be with you on your journey.