Building Support Systems

Jane Watkins

Over the years, the importance of strong support systems has been researched with predictable results. In a study of survivors of the infamous Cocoanut Grove fire, in which 492 people were killed, sociologist Eric Lindemann found that those victims with strong family and/or social emotional support recovered much quicker than others. In fact, some reached a level of personal growth far greater than they had enjoyed before the disaster. Most of them did not receive intensive therapy and/or counseling, but merely had a circle of supportive family and friends who visited and nurtured them through the healing process. Additional research has confirmed the obvious: strong social support may help us live longer! A study of 7,000 people in Alameda County, California, over a nine-year period discovered that the subjects with many socialties—through marriage, church affiliation, friends, neighbors, and extended family—had a lower mortality rate than those who were “loners.” Another study done at Yale University revealed that men in their fifties who were considered “high risk” due to socio-economic status yet had a high index of support lived much longer than high status males with low social network scores.

This is all interesting, but you may be asking yourself how all this can possibly apply to you—a servant minister with a cadre of peers and extended church family! We ask this as web lithely ignore the fact that our calling is 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year! Mohandas Gandhi said, “There is more to life than increasing its speed.” Yet most of us find ourselves on a moving sidewalk—like those at airports—with the world rushing by on both sides. Not only are we in the faster “walk lane” of this belt, but we often find ourselves running through life—while juggling and chewing gum. In his book Stopping, David Kundtz describes three ways to slow down the fast track. The first method of slowing down involves brief, daily times of rest (“stillpoints”). One college professor takes a few minutes each day to sit in her office and concentrate on the clouds from the view through her office window. For her, these are moments of “stillpoint” refreshment. The second method of slowing is intentional opportunities for retreat (“stopovers”). This would include vacations, camps and reunions, fellowship retreats, three-day weekends, or those frequently advertised hotel get-aways. Taking a day off from work to go to the zoo is an annual event for one co-worker. The third way to slow down is a “grinding halt.” Grinding halts are usually foisted upon us: heart attacks, nervous breakdowns, diabetes, pneumonia, arthritis—somatic responses to our “busyness.” If you do not seize opportunities to slow down, it seems your body will do so for you. So how can a support system help to slow you down? And further, how can a support system enhance ministry?

Accountability! That’s how! Bruce Reed, of the Grubb Institute, has developed “The Oscillation Theory,” which describes modes of life between which we need to oscillate to remain healthy. He pairs the following attributes. Doing, meeting the requirements expected of us in an achievement-oriented culture, is paired with Being, accepting who and what we are. Work, the energy expended toward the accomplishment of tasks and goals, is coupled with Play, the emergence of our “playful child” in certain “safe”environments. Role, the various positions we assume that permit us to function in society (eg., salesperson, pastor, lawyer, high priest) sits beside Essence, who we are in the absence of roles. Task Orientation, the manipulation of things and people for the accomplishment of goals, is opposite Sabbath Time, acceptance and enjoyment of things and people just as theyare. Last, he aligns Law, the shoulds and oughts that move communal life from chaos to structure yet often remind us that we have not measured up to expectations, with Grace, the good news that we are accepted just the way we are; we are loved; we are free. All these modes reflect either intra-dependence or extra-dependence. In intra-dependence I depend on internal resources to accomplish tasks important to me. Iam autonomous and self-sufficient. I depend on resources inside me (intra) in this modality. In extra-dependence I depend on a resource outside myself that is trustworthy and caring, therefore allowing and giving me permission to play, to experience my essence, to experience grace or Sabbath time, or just to “be.” That’s where our support system comes in to play. We need those trusted comrades to help us get to extra-dependence.

This graphic illustrates the oscillation motion.
 

In a perfect world we would find ourselves oscillating nicely between intra-dependence and extra-dependence. When we fail to oscillate between these two states, we become out of balance and may feel that our lives are running out of control. Ministerial responsibilities often lead caregivers into a quagmire of intra-dependence. Most people come to church toe experience extra-dependence. They arrive bruised and broken-hearted, disillusioned and despairing, in need of nurture. They look to our priesthood for succor. Reed shares a story of a pastor who observed a woman fall in a faint in a pew near the front of the sanctuary during his sermon. As he paused and waited for someone to assist her, he realized that despite the fact that several doctors and nurses were in the congregation, they were “out of role”—it was his shift! He was giving them their Sunday morning dose of extra-dependence! He left the pulpit to go down to assist the woman, marshalling others nearby to get her to fresh air and commandeer a cup of water for her. What a conundrum! If we are ministers “24-7,” when do we ever get “out of role”? For clergy, the most helpful support systems are those that allow us occasionally to be “out of role.” It is critical that we develop support that assists us in our journey toward moments of extra-dependency.

Roy Oswald, of the Alban Institute, has developed a “litmus test” for support systems. You can find this, as well as other helpful information, in the insert “Celebration A-1,” from The Congregational Leaders’ Handbook, titled “Leader Self-care: Developing a Personal Support Network,” by Kenneth L. McLaughlin and Suzanne Trewhitt McLaughlin. Take out a pen and a piece of paper and spend a few minutes reflecting on your own support system.

1. Take a few minutes to list all those you would classify as your “encouragers.” This includes all those who believe in you, value yourgoals, invest in your well-being, and increase your self-esteem.

2. Draw a circle around the names of at least three people on the list other than members of your immediate family who, in the event of personal crisis, would drop what they were doing and come to spend several days withyou.

3. After identifying these people, ask yourself, “Have I been in personal contact with these people in the last thirty days?”

This first step clarifies two things. First, it lets us know if there are people engaged in our lives other than our immediate family who would be there for us in time of need. Second, it gives us an idea as to what kind of a supporter we are.

4. Now, for the final test! Draw a line through the names of people on your “encouragers”list who are immediate family.

5. Next, draw a line through all those who live more than fifty miles away. Research has shown that we are reluctant to pick up the phone to talk for an hour on “long distance” as well as being hesitant to impose on those who might have to travel some distance to be by our side.

6. Finally, as painful as this will be, draw a line through anyone left on your list who is either a member of the Community of Christ, or who serves as a religious leader.

Please understand that those who have been crossed off your list are not unimportant! We are grateful for these significant encouragers who are truly the heart and soul of our support system. The purpose of this exercise is to give us a peek at how broad-based our personal support system is and where it might need to be strengthened. Oswald states that in his traveling and teaching, he has found that in this exercise usually 75% of clergy have their lists wiped clean. So don’t feel alone if your list came up a bit short after the trimming!

In his book Keeping Your Head above Water, Dave Stone shares a story about a farmer in Bruno, Nebraska, named Herman Ostry. Shortly after purchasing a farm, he was dismayed to see a nearby creek rise until over two feet of water were flowing through the barn on the property. Teasingly, he said, “I’ll bet if we had enough people we could pick up that barn and carry it to higher ground.” The gauntlet had been dropped! His son Mike began to do some calculating. Figuring that the barn weighed in at about nineteen thousand pounds, he estimated that 344 persons, each lifting about 55 pounds, could carry the barn off to higher land. Mike began to design an intricate grid of steel that attached to the inside of the barn. He put handles on the outside of the barn, connecting to the steel tubes. On July 30, 1988, as part of the Bruno Township centennial, 344 people took places around the barn. As Herman counted, “One . . . two . . .three . . . ,” thousands watched as the barn was lifted and carried fifty yards up a hill in just three minutes. If it takes 344 people to lift up a nine-ton barn, how many fewer people should it take to lift up one Community of Christ minister!

Herman Ostry knew that he couldn’t even lift a corner of that barn by himself. Sometimes we try to bear burdens and carry out Herculean tasks without considering the horrible, onerous weight we are trying to lift all by ourselves. In Spiritual Leadership, Len Young cautions readers to beware of becoming too self-reliant. He states, “For much of my life, I thought that a self-reliant strategy was a good one. In order to be self-reliant, I developed highly refined analytical skills and focused almost all my efforts on doing. Although it was far from a conscious process, I learned to figure out and assess all possibilities within my comfort zone. Then when I had determined which was the safest, which was the one I’d be able to control so I wouldn’t need help from others, I would go in that direction.” Len encourages readers to forgo the strain imposed by self-reliance. William Chris Hobgood talks about how dearly ministers like to be in control! Because so much of church life is out of our control, keeping a firm grip on ourselves seems like a solution. Ministers who can get beyond the self-reliant, in-control modus operandi can find great help in a support network of caring colleagues. This support can be found in a variety of settings: scripture study groups, theological reflection groups, interfaith dialogue settings, prayer cells or partnerships, skill-sharing opportunities, or just sharing together with other ministerial families in social settings. Good support systems don’t happen by accident. We must be intentional in creating these encouragers as well as vehicles and opportunities for encouragement in our current ministries, our personal lives, our relational lives, and our spiritual journeys.

Having good support is part of a stewardship of self-care. This is more than engaging in regular exercise, a healthy diet, stress reduction, and hobbies. It involves being free to be authentically the person God has created you to be (come). Ina popular story from the Jewish tradition, Rabbi Zusya says to his students, “In the next life I won’t be asked the question, ‘Why weren’t you Moses or David or Isaac or Jacob?’ I shall be asked, ‘Why were you not Zusya?’” As ministers of vision, we are called to create a healthy, balanced vision for our lives and our ministries. Then we are called to the hard work of honoring and actualizing that vision by caring for body, mind, and spirit. Caring for yourself may allow you to say in the next life, “I was exactly who you created me to be!”

The oscillation graphic is reprinted from Clergy Self-Care byRoy Oswald, with permission from the Alban Institute, Inc.,7315 Wisconsin Ave, Suite 1250W, Bethesda, MD 20814-3211, USA. Copyright 1991. All rights reserved.

Bibliography

Bullock, A. Richard and Richard J. Bruesehoff. Clergy Renewal. The Alban Guide to Sabbatical Planning. Alban Institute, 2000. (ISBN 1-56699-223-0)

Hands, Donald R. and Wayne L. Fehr. Spiritual Wholeness for Clergy. A New Psychology of Intimacy with God, Selfand Others. Alban Institute, 1993. (ISBN 1-56699-107-2)

Hobgood, William Chris. The Once and Future Pastor,. Alban Institute, 1998 (ISBN 1-56699-200-1)

Kundtz, David. Stopping: How to Be Still When You Have to Keep Going. Fine Communications, 1998. (ISBN 1-57324-1091)

McLaughlin, Kenneth L. and Suzanne Trewhitt McLaughlin. “Leader Self-Care: Developing a Personal Support Network,” insert Celebration, A-1, Congregational Leaders Handbook, Herald House, 1994.Melander, Rochelle and Harold Eppley. The Spiritual Leader’s Guide to Self Care. Alban Institute, 2002. (ISBN 1-56699-262-1)

Oswald, Roy M. Clergy Self-Care. Alban Institute, 1991.(ISBN 1-56699-044-0)Stone, Dave. Keeping Your Head above Water. Refreshing Insights for Church Leadership. Group Publishing, 2002.(ISBN 0-7644-2357-6)Young, Leonard M. Spiritual Leadership. The Path to Transformation. Herald House, 1999. (ISBN 0-8309-0846-3)