For Further Reflection and Discussion
- If you are in a covenant relationship with Jesus Christ, how has that covenant informed your understanding of “responsibility”?
- In your culture, what obstacles make it difficult for people to know themselves? Likewise, what aspects of your culture help people to know themselves?
- Think of a person in your life who has helped you explore new thoughts and experiences. What in that relationship prompted this kind of exploration together?
- What does it mean to be our own advocates in “appropriate” ways?
- Think of a time when someone stood up for you. What was that like for you?
6. How does harboring resentment and hurt create a prison for the person who is injured? How do you learn to forgive when you’ve been hurt?
—David D. Schaal
First Presidency
by DAVE SCHAAL
First Presidency
Herald, July 2011
As revealed in Christ, God, the Creator of all, ultimately is concerned about behaviors and relationships that uphold the worth and giftedness of all people and that protect the most vulnerable. Such relationships are to be rooted in the principles of Christ-like love, mutual respect, responsibility, justice, covenant, and faithfulness, against which there is no law.
If the church more fully will understand and consistently apply these principles, questions arising about responsible human sexuality; gender identities, roles, and relationships; marriage; and other issues may be resolved according to God’s divine purposes. Be assured nothing within these principles condones selfish, irresponsible, promiscuous, degrading, or abusive relationships. —Doctrine and Covenants 164:6a–b
Responsibility.
By reading that single word, readers of this article already have had very different emotions. For some, the word invokes feelings of burden, reminding them of weighty responsibilities. For others, the word prompts feelings of affirmation as they think about being entrusted with an important stewardship. Still others read the word and feel guilt, joy, aversion, nothing at all, or any number of things.
So, why might Doctrine and Covenants 164 identify “responsibility” as one of the principles that should shape our relationships?
While I pondered that question, someone shared with me a definition of responsibility I found interesting. That is, a responsibility is something people must do because of a previous agreement or promise.
For followers of Jesus Christ, that previous agreement (covenant is a better word) is the mutual commitment we have with Christ. For Christian disciples, the principle of responsibility is not defined primarily by cultural trends and assumptions. Neither is it solely determined by our own preferences or opinions. For followers of Jesus Christ, the principle of responsibility is informed primarily by the life of Jesus Christ and shaped by our covenant with him.
So, what can we learn about “responsibility in relationships” by looking at Jesus’ life? There is a lot, but I want to mention five particular things.
First, Jesus was profoundly self-aware. He knew his own heart, mind, and purpose. When he was tempted in the wilderness, Jesus refused to follow any alternate paths presented to him. While tempting, they did not align with his way of being in the world. When an adrenaline-charged crowd wanted to make him a king, he slipped away, staying true to his real purpose.
Jesus, like us, knew the experience of other people telling him who to be, based on roles they had in mind. In our case, messages from family, friends, media, and society bombard us, trying to mold us into images of what they believe we should be. Some of these messages are healthy. Others are not. Amid so many messages, combined with so many demands on our time, we can get lost. As one person said to me: “I am a mom, a professional, a congregational leader, and an officer at my child’s school—but I have no idea who I am.”
Being responsible in a relationship includes bringing our authentic selves to that relationship. This is hard to do if we do not know ourselves. To know ourselves, we need to invest time looking into our own soul, being in touch with our own experiences, longings, beliefs, fears, and hopes.
We need to consider who God wants us to be as persons with unique gifts, experiences, and thoughts. When we are our true selves, new degrees of emotional, spiritual, and psychological intimacy become possible in relationships.
Second, Jesus was forgiving. Examples abound, but none more graphic than his words on the cross: Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do.
In relationships, we will be hurt. We wish it were not so, but such wishing is to no avail. Sometimes that hurt will be unintentional. Sometimes it may be on purpose—the fruits of anger, frustration, or disappointment. Being responsible in relationships includes forgiving the people who hurt us.
Let’s be clear. Forgiveness does not mean that we remain in abusive relationships or allow ourselves to be taken advantage of time after time. Forgiveness is the experience of surrendering anger or ill will toward people who have hurt us. In place of these things, we wish God’s blessings for their lives. It is absolutely essential if we are to exercise responsibility in relationships.
Without forgiveness, wounds fester and become an emotional prison for the one who has been hurt. The relationship itself is restrained from reaching its capacity for joy, depth, and creativity if old resentments remain. Where forgiveness happens (including forgiving ourselves), freedom may abound, and the burdens of relational angst can be relieved.
Third, Jesus was his own best advocate. Besides being self-aware, he took care of himself and stood up for himself. He took time to refresh his own soul. He spoke his mind, even when his thoughts contradicted those of powerful people. He did what he believed was important, even when others advised him otherwise.
It is true that he modeled sacrificial living. However, a basic faith statement of Christianity is that Jesus’ life was freely offered, not taken.
Being responsible in our relationships includes a willingness to stand up for ourselves. It means we’re willing to let our needs and opinions be known in appropriate ways.
When I was a boy, I had a friend who never would say which games he wanted to play when our group of friends got together. Instead, he just went along with what others wanted, fearing his wishes might differ from the group’s. Some people retain this tendency in their adult lives, believing (unconsciously perhaps) their place is to suppress their own wishes to make everyone else happy.
Unfortunately, some relationships are characterized by one person’s life revolving around another’s. In healthy relationships, there is mutuality. It is not healthy to always subdue our wants, needs, dreams, and opinions. Responsibility includes learning to be our own advocate in appropriate ways.
If we cannot love ourselves enough to do so, we never will be free. But when we live in mutuality, our relationships can experience the dynamic synergy and creativity that occurs when everyone’s hearts and minds find expression. This, of course, implies we also will be responsible to honor, draw out, and support the needs and dreams of others whom we love and care for.
Fourth, Jesus cared passionately about the needs of people. Frequently, he was found standing up for someone else’s dignity and well-being. When Zacchaeus sat alone in a tree, despised for his compliance in a corrupt taxation system, Jesus could have ignored or rightfully condemned him. Instead, Jesus went to Zacchaeus’ house for a meal—an act that could have devastated Jesus’ reputation. Nevertheless, he was willing to risk his reputation to bring healing to a broken person.
In one of the most-poignant scenes in the Bible, Jesus makes sure his mother is cared for. While dying on the cross, his final words to her: Mother, behold your son. Son [to John], behold your mother, guaranteed Mary’s security in the home of someone Jesus knew he could trust. Being responsible in relationships includes a willingness to care for the hurts, fears, and trials of another.
Finally, if not foremost, being responsible means we will be intentional about allowing Christ to be at the center of our relationships to whatever degree possible. Companions in a marriage should learn how to pray together. Friends can be intentional about sharing and supporting each other in their faith journeys. Grandparents and parents can be diligent about sharing stories of faith with grandchildren and children. For Christians, allowing Christ to be at the center of our relationships is an act of faith, intimacy, and responsibility.
Also, the principles in Jesus’ life should shape the choices we make in relationships. In addition to principles discussed earlier, we need to ask: Are we honoring the value and worth of each person as Jesus did? Do we treat people with respect in our words and deeds? Do we help one another be accountable for our words and behaviors when we stray from the Christ-centered values we have embraced?
Everywhere I go, I am reminded of the potency of relationships. Relationships remain after programs fade. Relationships harbor remarkable capacity for injury or healing. Relationships can be the means of sustaining us through hard times, and they can be the conduit to wonderful adventures.
Relationships shape us. They are powerful. It is no surprise then, that Doctrine and Covenants 164 names “responsibility” as a necessary principle for our relationships.